On this blog, I’ve talked quite a bit about love and relationships, from the crush phase and (sometimes disastrous) first dates, to formal relationships and even when breakups happen. But today, I wanna talk about a slightly different topic.
Now that it’s been a while since I worked in the education space (I used to be a teaching assistant!), I’ve definitely missed teaching a little bit. So recently, I’ve enjoyed picking up a few tutoring gigs again. I get students of all ages, but mostly young elementary school kids who are having trouble learning French. It’s my favourite to teach them, and it’s super rewarding.
But the other day, as I looked up the home address of one of my new tutees, I realized it was in a very familiar neighborhood. It was in the same corner of town where my ex lives.
Whether it was a long-term relationship that you had or maybe just something short lived, running into an ex can be a little awkward. Sometimes, it can even get really emotional. So, how do you deal with all that? What happens when you and your ex live in the same city?
Montreal city skyline from McGill University by Anthony Lum (2024).
When was the last time you ran into an ex?
I remember the last time I bumped into an ex, I was heading downtown to get my nails done. I was deliberating about whether to drop a mail at the post office first and then head to the nail salon, or get my nails done first and later head to the post office. Eventually, I opted for the former.
But as I strolled through the subway tunnel, with my AirPods in my ears, listening to the latest Spotify hits, I suddenly ran into someone: my ex.
We walked past each other for a moment before realizing who the other was. It was the first time we bumped into each other since breaking up. “I’ll only say hello if he says hello first,” I told myself.
We exchanged hellos, asked each other how we were doing, and then acknowledged that we were both doing well. It felt strange seeing him again, noticing the subtle changes like his new haircut. There were no hugs or lingering conversations like we used to have, but somehow, looking back, that was… okay.
What feelings come up when you run into an ex?
Bumping into an ex can bring up all sorts of emotions: pain, sadness, anxiety, indifference, nostalgia, peace, and maybe even some feelings of regret.
I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel a weird feeling in my gut the first time I bumped into my ex. I remember feeling really shocked (But also, we were both working in the Mall, the exact same Mall where that nail salon was. Why did I think we’d never run into each other again?). And then, I remember crying in my bathroom when I got home that night.
It wasn’t so much that I was crying because I wanted him to take me back in that moment. It was more of an “I can’t believe this used to be someone I talked to every single day” moment. Someone that was part of my life. Someone with whom I had invested all this time in. And all of sudden, we were walking by each other like we were practically strangers again.
When you see your ex, you might feel all calm and indifferent. Or you might feel lots of emotions.
You might feel a sudden panic, because even though you thought you were totally over it and it was all fine, it’s absolutely not fine. You might feel grateful and believe in fate when you realize how incredibly good you look at that moment. You could feel nostalgic and wish for simpler times, even if they weren’t really better. Or you might even feel like a soda can about to explode when you find out they’re now with someone else. And it’s okay to feel this way.
It’s okay to feel like… like a mess.
When I first bumped into my ex, I felt like a mess too. In that moment, I experienced a whirlwind of feelings. But eventually, it gave me peace knowing that we had parted ways without hating each other.
It’s been a long time since then, and now I look back and I don’t feel sad, or mad, or regretful, or resentful. Instead, I feel so much gratitude for the memories and the experiences we shared, and I remained hopeful that the future would lead both of us to where we were meant to be, and to better love and more fulfilling relationships.
Sometimes, I feel so good about where I am right now that I almost forget about him, and that’s kind of a wonderful feeling. What’s that Taylor Swift song called again? “I Forgot That You Existed?”
So how do you navigate the same city as your ex?
So what happens when you’re bound to bumping into your ex?
Whether you live in the same city, go to the same school, work for the same company, take the same commute home, or have the same social circles, it’s much more likely that you may run into your ex unexpectedly from time to time.
Here are 6 tips to help you navigate these encounters with ease!
1. Be gentle with yourself
It’s okay if you’re not completely over your ex. It’s okay if you’re still healing. Whether you still have feelings for them, are angry, or are somewhere in between, moving on from someone you cared about isn’t easy, especially when you see them around. If your heart sinks and you feel anxious when you spot them, take a deep breath. It’s completely normal and natural to feel uneasy and emotional, no matter how much time has passed since the breakup.
2. Remember why you broke up
Running into your ex can bring up a mix of feelings, making it easy to get lost in the moment. But it’s important to remember one thing: why you’re not together anymore. Whether it was your decision, theirs, or mutual, recalling the reason for the breakup, even if it’s not pleasant, can prevent you from dwelling on past frustrations or situations that no longer matter. And if you need some sort of closure, don’t hesitate to seek it in a healthy and respectful way.
3. Don’t keep tabs
It’s tempting to check up on your ex through social media. I’ll admit, I’ve been guilty of this too. But obsessing over what they’re doing or who they’re with will only hinder your own healing process. Instead, focus on yourself and your own journey. Unfollow or mute them on social media if you need to, and redirect your energy towards activities and people that make you happy.
4. Don’t impress your ex
While you might want to look good if you know you’ll run into your ex, remember, the point isn’t to dress to impress them. It’s to feel good and confident in your own skin. It’s natural to want them to think you’re doing well, but what matters most is feeling comfortable with yourself. So don’t stress about trying to be the coolest or the best-looking. The people who matter already know who you are, and your ex’s opinion? It’s irrelevant now.
5. Prioritize self-care
Living in the same city as your ex can sometimes feel like walking on eggshells, so take care of yourself and explore new hobbies. Whether it’s trying a new sport, joining a club, or simply taking time for yourself, engage in activities that bring you joy and fulfillment. Investing in your own well-being and happiness is key to moving forward and thriving in your city, regardless of your past relationship. So go ahead, try that yoga class, start painting, or explore a new part of town.
6. Keep it short and sweet
Remember, you don’t have to be friends with your ex if it doesn’t feel right for you. And you don’t have to engage in lengthy conversations with your ex when you run into them. But remember that ignoring them when you clearly see each other is not the best approach either. A simple smile and wave is a polite acknowledgment that avoids awkwardness. If you do end up chatting, try to keep it brief to prevent old feelings from resurfacing and ruining your day.
Downtown Montreal by Anthony Lum (2024).
Living in the same city as your ex doesn’t have to be an ex-hausting, constant game of dodgeball.
While it’s tempting to avoid them at all costs, the mature thing to do is to face these encounters with grace and dignity. Aim for short and sweet interactions, prioritize self-care, and don’t let their presence overshadow your life.
And remember, you’ve got this!
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