I recently met up with a good friend for coffee.
My friend Emily lives in New York now for work, and her and I hadn’t seen each other in years. So when she mentioned to me that she was visiting Montreal for a whole week, I was excited to catch up with her over a steaming cup of coffee at our favourite local café.
As we sat down and the aromas of freshly brewed coffee and freshly baked cronuts (yes cronuts, as in, croissants + donuts = cronuts) filled the air, I couldn’t help but smile, reminiscing about the countless hours we would spend studying at this very spot back in undergrad. It was amazing to think that despite the years and miles that had separated us, the second we came together and started talking, it was as if we were never apart.
We reminisced about the good old days, like the mornings we’d workout at the gym before class, or the late nights we’d spend studying in the library for finals, or the weekends we’d grab brunch (and maybe even talk about boys) to take our minds off of school. We shared stories about our recent travel adventures, about navigating our new jobs, about living in new cities, and even about our plans for the future.
We sat in that café for almost four hours. But we had such a great time that those four hours went by like forty minutes. As we walked out the doors and towards the subway station, I asked Emily if she was down to catch up over a bite again next month, whenever she was coming back to town to spend the Holidays with her family.
But, her response took me by surprise:
“Actually, I don’t know if I’m gonna be in town for Christmas. And if I will be, I don’t wanna stay for long. Honestly, I’m not that excited to see my whole family for the Holidays. They’re always asking me if I ever wanna get married one day… They’re always trying to set me up with someone… They’ve just been pretty draining lately.”
For days and days after our coffee date, I couldn’t stop thinking about her last story. I knew we had a lot in common, but I hadn’t realized we also both shared a common sentiment, one that many of us experience during the Holiday season. She reminded me of one family Christmas dinner at my aunt’s house, a night I still remember like it was just yesterday.
I remember ringing the doorbell that evening feeling pretty.
I had waved my hair, and I was wearing an outfit I loved – neutrals, simple but elegant, and still modern and fashionable. These years of COVID and not being able to go out really helped me dig deep and find my personal style (thank you, Allison Bornstein, and your great TikTok videos).
Walking in, the warmth of the festive air greeted me. The Filipino parols, the Christmas tree, the giant pile of Christmas presents, and all the familiar scents of Filipino Holiday festivities (A.K.A. the smell of cooking) surrounded the room. Then came the long hellos. Because in Filipino culture, the ritual of showing respect meant saying hello to everyone with a mano po gesture to every single aunt, every single uncle, and every single grandparent in the room.
As we settled around the dinner table, the variety of dishes seemed endless: lechon, kare-kare, menudo, pancit, salmon, sushi, Filipino spaghetti, fried chicken, lumpia, leche flan, cookies, chocolate cake, fruit salad, three different types of soups, three different types of salads, even three different types of rice, and much, much more. The variety of dishes seemed endless, enough to feed an entire neighborhood (and that’s when you know you’re at a true Filipino party). And the lively conversations, laughter, and the clinking of utensils against plates filled the air, creating a symphony of familial joy.
Yet, in the midst of all the joy and delicious food, there was one comment that cut through my festive cheer like a sharp, cold wind on a winter night.
“So Kristina, are you seeing anyone right now? Have you seen anyone lately? Why are you still single?” said one aunt.
I laughed and just nodded my head no, continuing to look down at my plate and grabbing more lumpia and plum dipping sauce. I certainly wasn’t going to mention all the first dates I’d gone on that led to nowhere (but you can read all about my disastrous dates in my previous Heart to Heart blog post called Hilarious Tales of My Disastrous Dates).
But everyone kept going.
“Oh, but how old are you now? Your cousins, they’re younger than you, no?”
“So when are you gonna bring someone over for dinner?”
“Yeah, and what happened to that other guy? What was his name again?”
“Oh, are you gonna go on those dating apps? Oh, or do you want me to see if I might know someone your age?”
“Oh, how about my son? I’ll match you with him!”
“What’s wrong? You wanna become a nun!?”
And that’s when my heart sank.
As the laughter and chatter continued around me, I couldn’t escape the internal dialogue that started to unfold. I felt like something was wrong with me, like I had done everything so right yet everything felt like it was going so wrong. It felt like everyone was pointing fingers. I felt like I wasn’t measuring up to what everyone expected of me. I felt like this was all just one big reminder of everything I was supposedly lacking.
Then adding to the emotional chaos, thoughts of my recent breakup began to hit me real hard. The unfairness of it all weighed on me. I started to overthink if I had messed something up. I started to think about why it had to end. I started to think about whether there was something I could’ve done. I started to think about how it should’ve been me sitting on the couch next to a partner, decorating a Christmas tree or wrapping presents together.
There was this heavy feeling in my chest, and a bunch of new questions started popping up. Were the aunties right? Would I ever find someone? Will I ever really get married? Or what if I end up just by myself? Would I be okay? And what would people think of me? The future suddenly felt like this big question mark. The future seemed super uncertain, and the fear of being judged mixed up with my own self-doubts. And as someone who had always seen myself as a family person, the uncertainty about my future family added an extra layer of complexity to my emotions.
But just when I thought it was all over, I overheard more whispers: “Well, at least the younger one will get married. That’s good,” referring to my younger sister.
I flipped through my purse, then grabbed it with me and made my way to the bathroom (like when you think you have your period and know you’re gonna take a while in the bathroom). I shut the door and made sure the knob was locked.
And then I sat on the toilet seat and cried.
In that confined space, with the gentle hum of the bathroom fan drowning out the outside noise, I didn’t even know what I was crying and crying about. It’s not like I minded being single. On the contrary, I actually enjoyed it very much (healing, self-discovery, lots of time for side projects, you know, the whole shebang). And it’s not like I saw myself getting married in the next couple years. Nor did I even want to get married anytime soon.
But yet, I couldn’t stop crying.
There’s a lot I’ve learned ever since that one bathroom crying session. And a lot of everything I learned, I owe to therapy, lots of self-help podcasts, prayers from both myself and others, and conversations with good friends.
So as the chestnuts are roasting on an open fire and Jack Frost is nipping at your nose, it’s completely normal to feel a little more alone, and perhaps even a little self-conscious about being without a “plus one.” Maybe it’s the story of Noah’s Arc that we hear as children that begins the conditioning that it is somewhat better to be part of a couple. Or maybe it’s the countless Holiday movies showcasing perfect couples sipping cocoa by the fire and exchanging perfectly wrapped gifts.
But it’s simply not true. Your dating or marital status does not determine your worthiness.
The Holiday season is full of blessings and wonderful traditions, but yes, it can also be a very triggering time of year. So if you find yourself becoming a lone ornament this Holiday season, remember that creating a story in your head that something is wrong, or feeling lonely about being single is just a story. It’s time to write a new script full of gratitude for your Christmas present and future.
1. Redirect your focus
Instead of focusing on what you don’t have, focus on what you do have. Appreciate the presence of friends, family, shelter, clothes on your back, a job, good health, and even the freedom to enjoy your life. When you keep focusing on what you lack, you just get more lack. Cultivating gratitude for the meaningful connections and opportunities you currently have can fill your days with joy. Make plans to spend more time with those who bring positivity into your life.
2. It doesn’t matter
If you being single doesn’t bother you, then it shouldn’t matter if it bothers your relatives. Don’t let anyone make you feel insecure about you being single – no matter how old you get. Maybe a few relatives will ask you about your love life and encourage you to settle down. But their opinion doesn’t matter. You shouldn’t feel bad that you’re alone. Instead, you should feel bad for them for assuming a relationship is the most important thing in the world.
3. It’s okay to be upset
Even if you consider yourself as a strong and independent person, you’re allowed to feel lonely from time to time. You’re allowed to still be mourning a breakup. You’re allowed to be jealous of your cousins who are engaged, or your grandparents who’ve been together since they were half your age. You’re allowed to want a relationship. So cry it out – even in your aunt’s bathroom if you need to. Because even if you’re generally happy being single, you’re not going to be happy every single second.
4. The movies aren’t real
Around this time of year, it’s hard to avoid all the cheesy love songs and all the happily-ever-after Hallmark Holiday movies about perfect couples. But the truth is, reality is messy. Reality isn’t anything like those cheesy rom-com films. Don’t compare yourself to what you see on your TV or computer screen, because real life is never going to live up to that hype. Don’t get me wrong, love is a beautiful thing, but remember, it’s also a lot of work. So amidst the glitter of movie magic, find solace in the beautifully imperfect script of your own life.
5. Have some fun
You don’t need a relationship to have fun. Even though you don’t have anyone to kiss underneath the mistletoe or when the ball drops on New Year, you can still drink a shot of tequila (or seven), and sing karaoke, and bake gingerbread cookies, and swap gifts. Nothing is stopping you from having a good time. Gather your closest friends, share stories by the fireplace, and let the laughter echo through the halls. Maybe even try something new. This holiday season, realize that happiness isn’t confined to the parameters of a romantic relationship. Realize love, joy, fun, and adventure surround you everywhere.
6. Embrace your journey
Your timeline isn’t going to match anyone else’s. Maybe your siblings are getting married before you. Maybe your cousins already have children. Maybe everyone’s buying a house, and you’re still renting. Maybe some people in your family are younger than you and have already hit milestones you aren’t even close to reaching. But that doesn’t matter. Their life isn’t your life. You’re on two completely different paths. You’re not competing with them. You should be happy for them.
7. Mingle with the children
This one’s my favourite. When all else fails, ditch the adult table and sit at the kids table. You know who’ll never nag you about being almost thirty and still single? Children. So, this Holiday season, take some time out to sit at the kids’ table, and talk about what truly matters, like the new PlayStation games, the art of throwing a slingshot, and that French fries are, in fact, a vegetable. Between the finger food and piggy-back rides, you’ll soon forget that your aunt is still trying to set you up with her neighbours, Church mate’s sons, or husband’s coworker.
8. Forgive your family
If you’re getting annoyed by family members that keep bugging you about your love life and dropping hints that you’re not getting any younger, take a deep breath and forgive them. For the longest time, I didn’t think I could forgive my family for always asking about my love life and making rude comments about me getting older. But as time passed, I started to see that they were just looking out for me. That they didn’t want me to feel alone. That in the end, they only wanted to see me happy. And after all, it is the Holidays, a season of peace and love.
9. So much can change in a year
Right now, you might feel like you’re going to be unhappy forever, but this time next year might be completely different. Think about how different everything was just a year ago. A whole lot can change in a year, so don’t give up hope of finding happiness. Remember, this Holiday season might be rough, but next year’s might be the best one yet. So as you navigate through the uncertainties, keep the flicker of hope alive, knowing that brighter days may be just around the corner.
So as the snow begins to gently cover the rooftops like icing on a cake, and the twinkling Christmas lights adorn all the streets, the Holiday season is bound to bring up a myriad of emotions. The story of navigating the Holidays as a single woman nearing her thirties is not just my friend Emily’s or I’s personal tale, but a collective experience shared by so many.
But amidst the echo of laughter and the clinking of wine glasses during festive gatherings, remember that it’s natural to feel like the lone ornament on a beautifully adorned tree. And that’s okay. Remember to embrace the authenticity of your emotions. Remember to celebrate the freedom to walk your own path. Remember to be happy with where and who you are now.
And of course, remember to have hope.
Because, who knows, the coming year might just be the one that adds a new, beautiful chapter to your unique story.
Happy Holidays,
Kristina
XOXO
The Lilac Blog 